Well, I kidna fell off for a second, but I am back in the saddle! I emerge from my cocoon as beautiful as before and yet still not quite the same.
I have since been teased with a promotion of my previous position only to actually just get my previous position, saw a doctor for the first time in who knows how long, got an eye exam and spent wayyyyy too much on glasses, retrieved my older brother to help him get back on track, and visited my friends a couple times. The throes of depression were vicious, but I have emerged ready for the mistakes of mania. Or maybe just being happy and regulated, who knows. The world seems brighter, but that could just be because ive been trying to sleep more. Got some good ol' antidepressants as well. Seems kinda meh so far, but we upped the dose recently.
I also got my A+ certification! i dint think ill be able to yse it before ill have to get a newer one, but the experience was good. I ended up dropping iut of the course I was attending, but they paid for my tests. I got what I needed out of that. Concerning, though, that I was again unable to finish a class. I will try again. Am I addicted to failure? Am I not fit for the rigidity if school? Am I unable to hoold my attention on a topic for the months required to finish a class? Who knows! I wanna keep trying, though.
There's still so much I want to do. I feel like the meds will enable me to do more, but I'm worried that I am missing something. That may be one of my biggest fears. I always feel that I'm missing something or making a mistake without noticing. Is that perfectionism? It's something that stops me from doing what I want. I get stuck feeling like I need to be perfect from the get-go. But I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And I don't want to, even though everyone does. LET GO OF THE NEED TO BE PERFECT. MAKE MISTAKES.
Charisma (our instructor) was very insistent on group studying. Not sure why. I guess it is very helpful for her. For myself, it only served to show that what I was learning was in fact sticking. I was more knowledgable than my groupmates, and even was able to help them. That's good in more ways than one. I like helping, and it eased my worries on if I was even learning anything. I'm not good at taking notes, so to know that I was learning was very nice.
-later that night-
high as hell watchin violet evergarden 👍
Interview went well!!! Updated the site a bunch. Added buttons to the home page, organized the files, added more quotes. Still not sure how I want to do the dislikes page. I want people to be able to tell me why I'm wrong or try to convince me to like what they like. Dreams and Pics I need to find layouts I like. I think the interview was weighing on me more than I thought because I feel a lot better now that it's done. Last night I was walking around in the dark crying and I didn't eat. The hunger thing might be something else cause I have not been all that hungry for a bit.
We're going to find our personal brand! :O This part of the course could be a surpise blessing. What is my why? On the docket, I saw that we're going to be taking the 16 Personalities quiz. I always liked the idea of utilizing those in the job space. I doubt we're going to get to it this meeting. I took the test anyway on my own: INFP-A still. I feel different, but I suppose I haven't changed that much at my core. I just want the world to be a better place. As small as smiling at a stranger, as large as governmental change. I want to play my part.
As my freedom comes to an end it the time to go back to school and work draws near, I feel myself slipping into depression. I think the root of the issue is that I cannot truly imagine myself as being happy in the long run. I live with a weight that crushes me every day, and it threatens to consume me if I don't distract myself adequately. I have yet to find my calling, I suppose. The flame within me was reduced to just embers long ago, but they have not gone out completely. Which is unfotunate, because I think this is the most anguishing part. To give up entirely would be a sort of freedom, and to have a fire driving me would ease my pain. And yet here I am, knowing I must go on and not knowing for what purpose. A hell of my own making. I just need to get over it, tbh. Life isn't so poetic. Stuff needs doin' if I'm to continue living. Just the way it is. I can't help but think that it doesn't have to be this way, though. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we allowed for the freedom of exploration rather than the forceful shove into exploitation? Why do I have to work so hard and dedicate so much time to things that drain me to continue living a life that is unfulfilling? Even if I had the kind of idyllic life that I dream of, would I be happy? Am I doomed to this existence marked by feelings of emptiness? Why can't I think of anything I actually want? All I'm allowed to know is that I don't want this. I should look into therapy again ig. I don't want to get diagnosed with anything right now with the USGov being the way it is, but maybe I was just born this way and can be drug-corrected. I always think that surely the worst-case scenario won't happen to me, so maybe I should just see a psychologist and try to get some meds. When I tried --redacted-- I felt like what I imagined being normal felt like, even though they turned out to be fake. Maybe I was just baked wrong. I'm certain my mother was stressed out while I was in the oven, that likely had an effect. Not to mention my upbringing, which wasn't the best. Maybe instead of rolling with the punches I should course correct. Who knows? Aside from feeling like a weighted shadow of myself, today was pretty chill. Read a couple hundred pages of Cibola Burn around the house. Vacuumed the room when my mom was done cleaning the house. After dinner, I cried in bed a little and took a nap. Pretty chill day.
I woke up around 10 or so, but I didn't get out of bed til around 4 or 5. Just didn't feel like doing anything today. Spent a couple hours browsing Facebook in bed. Spent some time with Iji. When I did eventually get out I went downstairs to see what was goin on. Justin was watchin' something with the dogs. I grabbed a slice of bread cause I wasn't hungry, but figured I should eat something. I went through the boxes I had in my room. I need to get some bookshelves or something cause I got a bunch of stuff. I played some of the intro vids for my IT course while I went through my stuff. I hoppped on Disc after to play Fort with Andrew, Jose and Joseph joined us. Played for a couple hours. We played a round of Festival, and then I got off. I put on Nausicaa and started writing this post. I'm gonna see if I can pretty this place up a little.
Okay that's better. Used a bunch of the code from the first page, but I found a silly little font.
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind is such a good movie. I wonder if I would get in trouble if I put it in here lol Nah, I shouldn't do that. Time to do some Duo, today is Portuguese. I'll probably go to sleep after the movie. Tomorrow I think I'll go get a haricut and see about a job.
Actually ended up playing Hell Let Loose and Content Warning with Juan and Jose. It was very fun. Have this: