It's my brother's birthday today! I dont think I'm going to do anything, unfortunately. We never really celebrated before, and my goal is to start celebrating birthdays after my 25th. I still feel a little bad, probably because my mom thinks i shoukd do something, but I'm broke.
In other news, I've finally settled on something that has brought me a lot of ease. I am Aro/Ace, my previous crush of however many years was just comp het shit, although she is a lovely woman. I've always suspected this was the case, but i thought I could just call mysslf broken and let it bang. Until I listened this podcast episode on the way home yesterday and really thinking on it. I have been feeling so much lighter since making this decision to stop pretending. Maybe now I can do all the things I've been wanting to. I think I was wasting spoons maintaining my feelings that I didn't really want. We'll see how this plays out.
I checked my budget again, and even having to pay rent now, I should be able to save once I catch up., We will see how that goes in reality, I always miss something. Digging myself put of this hole is the real bitch. I should be able to, though.
Okay I didn't work out yesterday... BUT ONLY BECAUSE I GOT HOME AN HOUR LATER THAN USUAL! I showered and alept tho, which is pretty good cause I've been putting off the showering until morning if not skipping it entirely....
I feel so goooood. I need to take care of myself, I know it makes me feel better, and yet I am still the way I am. Oh, well. Tomorrow, we try again! Can't fail if you never quit, this is the human way.
At least it's FriYAY! When I get home , I'll shower and then it's time to game. I'll start off with Destiny, and if anyone wants to play Rivals, I'll hop on that.
I didn't work out yesterday, but I did clean my room a little. Today, I will work out when I get home. And then I will shower. And then I will eat dinner. And then I will listen to an audio book and clean my room some more. I dont know why these things are such an uphill battle for me.
Manager set us up for failure wtf do you mean i need to stay an extra hour and fifteen minutes to hit forty⁉️
a while back my twin brother stopped talking to me. the fact that it doesnt bother me bothers me. i wish i could be the brother he needs. im broken in just the right way to be useless to him and so he cast me aside. hes always been like that im sure hell be back in time. but i havent always been like this. at least i dont think i have. ive never been super into family but i used to be more social. not a lot more but ive noticably regressed. i was made to take care of myself to ewrly and when i needed help i never got it. im stronger for it sure but i dont want to be strong i want to be who i used to be. i feel trapped in a box socially and as much as i would like to change i dont really want to change.
the money issues have been getting better at least. kinda. itll continue to weigh on me until im out of the woods but i do believe im on track. gonna have to skip jupiter tho. maybe i can get it as a christmas present to myself. i set up the whiteboard to visualize where i was at financially, but i need to update it with the rest of the things I usually put in there. Wants, how to spend days, ideas, plans, and the like.
Damn, maybe I was just hungry; now, after lunch, I'm not feeling so "doom and gloom". I was definitely low energy, I went to sleep late and woke up a few times cause of my weird dream. I really need to put my schedule up on the board, it really helped me before, and Im sure it will again. Going off of vibes is not great. I end up ignoring everything in favor of playing games with my friends.
I feel like I'm becoming more unstable. I keep swinging back and forth between positive emotions and my numb, depressed state. Tge days when my swings would take months or at least weeks are gone, I can no longer maintain a pleasant feeling. I'm not sure what to do. I need to schedule that appointment.
I had lunch with the team today. They don't talk as much, which is great. Kinda.
Justin asked me to do a couple things yesterday and it upset me. Probably because my whole relationship with my dad was him telling me to do something and me doing it. I've been looking at places to move out but, TBH I don't think I can afford that. May be stuck here until I can pay off more of the truck.
I'm taking bus and train to get back home. the trip was great, Im glas I got to see my friends. I am sure glad to go home, though. I miss Ijiraq and my bed and being alone and watching the clouds over the mountains. Justin's picking me up feom the and of the line, he's off today. I'm going to have to ask James for gas money to get to the next paycheck. Oh, well. I'm starting my discipline regimine tomorrow. I'm not buying anything until I'm back on track, and even then, I dont plan on doing much excess spending. The Paycheck after next will cover my work expenses so I can really get back on track. One month until I can really stop stressing, but having a plan helps.
I've got a week back on Duolingo. I need to start doing multiple languages again. I'm also going to start working out after work. I still havent gotten the exact routine figured out, but I can start off with what I did before during my Phys Ed class.
I met someone named Dean. He named himself after Dean Winchester, pretty cool! He offered me Snapchat, but I do not use it. I should try Tumblr!
Okay, no Tumblr, but we exchanged numbers and chatted a bit during the trip. I love meeting people! Nice way to end the trip. :-)
It took an hour or two, but I figured out how to make an image map! Using this for my shrines page. Haven't set up the shrines yet, but you can see the landing page by clicking the link up above. I used this tool to make a responsive image map. I originally tried to use this one, but it just didn't work for whatever reason. I'm no pro, so I just found a different tool.
Personally, I'm feeling pretty good; maybe the higher dosage is working. Having weekends off is really nice, too. I feel like I actually have time to relax. Being able to sleep in is one thing, but being able to sleep in and then also stay up late a couple times does wonders for the mind. I can rest and still have time to do what I want as well as clean up. It'll be a while before I can be comfortable financially, but I think I'm going to get there with this position. Not that comfortable, but at least not running out of money. Speaking of...
The fellas are coming to visit me this week! I don't have enough money, and I'm doing stupid things to make it work, BUT I don't care. I want to see them. We're gonna have fun for a week, and money ain't gonna stop me! I can deal with the fallout afterwards. I will be okay.
Well, I kidna fell off for a second, but I am back in the saddle! I emerge from my cocoon as beautiful as before and yet still not quite the same.
I have since been teased with a promotion of my previous position only to actually just get my previous position, saw a doctor for the first time in who knows how long, got an eye exam and spent wayyyyy too much on glasses, retrieved my older brother to help him get back on track, and visited my friends a couple times. The throes of depression were vicious, but I have emerged ready for the mistakes of mania. Or maybe just being happy and regulated, who knows. The world seems brighter, but that could just be because ive been trying to sleep more. Got some good ol' antidepressants as well. Seems kinda meh so far, but we upped the dose recently.
I also got my A+ certification! i dint think ill be able to yse it before ill have to get a newer one, but the experience was good. I ended up dropping iut of the course I was attending, but they paid for my tests. I got what I needed out of that. Concerning, though, that I was again unable to finish a class. I will try again. Am I addicted to failure? Am I not fit for the rigidity if school? Am I unable to hoold my attention on a topic for the months required to finish a class? Who knows! I wanna keep trying, though.
There's still so much I want to do. I feel like the meds will enable me to do more, but I'm worried that I am missing something. That may be one of my biggest fears. I always feel that I'm missing something or making a mistake without noticing. Is that perfectionism? It's something that stops me from doing what I want. I get stuck feeling like I need to be perfect from the get-go. But I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And I don't want to, even though everyone does. LET GO OF THE NEED TO BE PERFECT. MAKE MISTAKES.
Charisma (our instructor) was very insistent on group studying. Not sure why. I guess it is very helpful for her. For myself, it only served to show that what I was learning was in fact sticking. I was more knowledgable than my groupmates, and even was able to help them. That's good in more ways than one. I like helping, and it eased my worries on if I was even learning anything. I'm not good at taking notes, so to know that I was learning was very nice.
-later that night-
high as hell watchin violet evergarden 👍
Interview went well!!! Updated the site a bunch. Added buttons to the home page, organized the files, added more quotes. Still not sure how I want to do the dislikes page. I want people to be able to tell me why I'm wrong or try to convince me to like what they like. Dreams and Pics I need to find layouts I like. I think the interview was weighing on me more than I thought because I feel a lot better now that it's done. Last night I was walking around in the dark crying and I didn't eat. The hunger thing might be something else cause I have not been all that hungry for a bit.
We're going to find our personal brand! :O This part of the course could be a surpise blessing. What is my why? On the docket, I saw that we're going to be taking the 16 Personalities quiz. I always liked the idea of utilizing those in the job space. I doubt we're going to get to it this meeting. I took the test anyway on my own: INFP-A still. I feel different, but I suppose I haven't changed that much at my core. I just want the world to be a better place. As small as smiling at a stranger, as large as governmental change. I want to play my part.
As my freedom comes to an end it the time to go back to school and work draws near, I feel myself slipping into depression. I think the root of the issue is that I cannot truly imagine myself as being happy in the long run. I live with a weight that crushes me every day, and it threatens to consume me if I don't distract myself adequately. I have yet to find my calling, I suppose. The flame within me was reduced to just embers long ago, but they have not gone out completely. Which is unfotunate, because I think this is the most anguishing part. To give up entirely would be a sort of freedom, and to have a fire driving me would ease my pain. And yet here I am, knowing I must go on and not knowing for what purpose. A hell of my own making. I just need to get over it, tbh. Life isn't so poetic. Stuff needs doin' if I'm to continue living. Just the way it is. I can't help but think that it doesn't have to be this way, though. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we allowed for the freedom of exploration rather than the forceful shove into exploitation? Why do I have to work so hard and dedicate so much time to things that drain me to continue living a life that is unfulfilling? Even if I had the kind of idyllic life that I dream of, would I be happy? Am I doomed to this existence marked by feelings of emptiness? Why can't I think of anything I actually want? All I'm allowed to know is that I don't want this. I should look into therapy again ig. I don't want to get diagnosed with anything right now with the USGov being the way it is, but maybe I was just born this way and can be drug-corrected. I always think that surely the worst-case scenario won't happen to me, so maybe I should just see a psychologist and try to get some meds. When I tried --redacted-- I felt like what I imagined being normal felt like, even though they turned out to be fake. Maybe I was just baked wrong. I'm certain my mother was stressed out while I was in the oven, that likely had an effect. Not to mention my upbringing, which wasn't the best. Maybe instead of rolling with the punches I should course correct. Who knows? Aside from feeling like a weighted shadow of myself, today was pretty chill. Read a couple hundred pages of Cibola Burn around the house. Vacuumed the room when my mom was done cleaning the house. After dinner, I cried in bed a little and took a nap. Pretty chill day.
I woke up around 10 or so, but I didn't get out of bed til around 4 or 5. Just didn't feel like doing anything today. Spent a couple hours browsing Facebook in bed. Spent some time with Iji. When I did eventually get out I went downstairs to see what was goin on. Justin was watchin' something with the dogs. I grabbed a slice of bread cause I wasn't hungry, but figured I should eat something. I went through the boxes I had in my room. I need to get some bookshelves or something cause I got a bunch of stuff. I played some of the intro vids for my IT course while I went through my stuff. I hoppped on Disc after to play Fort with Andrew, Jose and Joseph joined us. Played for a couple hours. We played a round of Festival, and then I got off. I put on Nausicaa and started writing this post. I'm gonna see if I can pretty this place up a little.
Okay that's better. Used a bunch of the code from the first page, but I found a silly little font.
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind is such a good movie. I wonder if I would get in trouble if I put it in here lol Nah, I shouldn't do that. Time to do some Duo, today is Portuguese. I'll probably go to sleep after the movie. Tomorrow I think I'll go get a haricut and see about a job.
Actually ended up playing Hell Let Loose and Content Warning with Juan and Jose. It was very fun. Have this: