Charisma (our instructor) was very insistent on group studying. Not sure why. I guess it is very helpful for her. For myself, it only served to show that what I was learning was in fact sticking. I was more knowledgable than my groupmates, and even was able to help them. That's good in more ways than one. I like helping, and it eased my worries on if I was even learning anything. I'm not good at taking notes, so to know that I was learning was very nice.
-later that night-
high as hell watchin violet evergarden 👍
Interview went well!!! Updated the site a bunch. Added buttons to the home page, organized the files, added more quotes. Still not sure how I want to do the dislikes page. I want people to be able to tell me why I'm wrong or try to convince me to like what they like. Dreams and Pics I need to find layouts I like. I think the interview was weighing on me more than I thought because I feel a lot better now that it's done. Last night I was walking around in the dark crying and I didn't eat. The hunger thing might be something else cause I have not been all that hungry for a bit.
We're going to find our personal brand! :O This part of the course could be a surpise blessing. What is my why? On the docket, I saw that we're going to be taking the 16 Personalities quiz. I always liked the idea of utilizing those in the job space. I doubt we're going to get to it this meeting. I took the test anyway on my own: INFP-A still. I feel different, but I suppose I haven't changed that much at my core. I just want the world to be a better place. As small as smiling at a stranger, as large as governmental change. I want to play my part.
As my freedom comes to an end it the time to go back to school and work draws near, I feel myself slipping into depression. I think the root of the issue is that I cannot truly imagine myself as being happy in the long run. I live with a weight that crushes me every day, and it threatens to consume me if I don't distract myself adequately. I have yet to find my calling, I suppose. The flame within me was reduced to just embers long ago, but they have not gone out completely. Which is unfotunate, because I think this is the most anguishing part. To give up entirely would be a sort of freedom, and to have a fire driving me would ease my pain. And yet here I am, knowing I must go on and not knowing for what purpose. A hell of my own making. I just need to get over it, tbh. Life isn't so poetic. Stuff needs doin' if I'm to continue living. Just the way it is. I can't help but think that it doesn't have to be this way, though. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we allowed for the freedom of exploration rather than the forceful shove into exploitation? Why do I have to work so hard and dedicate so much time to things that drain me to continue living a life that is unfulfilling? Even if I had the kind of idyllic life that I dream of, would I be happy? Am I doomed to this existence marked by feelings of emptiness? Why can't I think of anything I actually want? All I'm allowed to know is that I don't want this. I should look into therapy again ig. I don't want to get diagnosed with anything right now with the USGov being the way it is, but maybe I was just born this way and can be drug-corrected. I always think that surely the worst-case scenario won't happen to me, so maybe I should just see a psychologist and try to get some meds. When I tried --redacted-- I felt like what I imagined being normal felt like, even though they turned out to be fake. Maybe I was just baked wrong. I'm certain my mother was stressed out while I was in the oven, that likely had an effect. Not to mention my upbringing, which wasn't the best. Maybe instead of rolling with the punches I should course correct. Who knows? Aside from feeling like a weighted shadow of myself, today was pretty chill. Read a couple hundred pages of Cibola Burn around the house. Vacuumed the room when my mom was done cleaning the house. After dinner, I cried in bed a little and took a nap. Pretty chill day.
I woke up around 10 or so, but I didn't get out of bed til around 4 or 5. Just didn't feel like doing anything today. Spent a couple hours browsing Facebook in bed. Spent some time with Iji. When I did eventually get out I went downstairs to see what was goin on. Justin was watchin' something with the dogs. I grabbed a slice of bread cause I wasn't hungry, but figured I should eat something. I went through the boxes I had in my room. I need to get some bookshelves or something cause I got a bunch of stuff. I played some of the intro vids for my IT course while I went through my stuff. I hoppped on Disc after to play Fort with Andrew, Jose and Joseph joined us. Played for a couple hours. We played a round of Festival, and then I got off. I put on Nausicaa and started writing this post. I'm gonna see if I can pretty this place up a little.
Okay that's better. Used a bunch of the code from the first page, but I found a silly little font.
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind is such a good movie. I wonder if I would get in trouble if I put it in here lol Nah, I shouldn't do that. Time to do some Duo, today is Portuguese. I'll probably go to sleep after the movie. Tomorrow I think I'll go get a haricut and see about a job.
Actually ended up playing Hell Let Loose and Content Warning with Juan and Jose. It was very fun. Have this: